FADE IN:
EXT. BANK OF AMERICA, BUSY STREET - SUNNY DAY
THE CAMERA CIRCLES AROUND THE BANK TO FIND: A black armored van emerging from the back part of the bank. It pulls out onto a side street and goes on for several blocks.
SUPER: IN THE FUTURE NEARER THAN YOU THINK...
INT. BUILDING CRANE CABIN/EXT. SIDE STREET – SAME
An old woman wearing a cucumber facial mask – Mrs. Grifter – is sitting with one hand – a shiny prosthetic titanium arm - on the lever. She has a pair of binoculars and is studying the vehicles as they move below.
HER POV - THROUGH THE BINOCULARS - The black armored van approaching. It's getting closer and closer... The old woman pushes the lever.
INT. BLACK VAN/EXT. SIDE STREET – MOVING - CONTINUOUS
DRIVER'S POV THRU WINDSHIELD - A cobwebby net is stretched across the street. It is attached by one end to a light pole and by the other end to the crane's rope which tightens it.
ESCORT
(terrified)
What the hell is that?!
Both escorts in the van sit petrified as their car becomes entangled in the net and lurches to a halt.
EXT. SIDE STREET, NEXT TO THE CRANE - CONTINUOUS
MRS. GRIFTER
(to herself)
Don't worry, guys. I'll give you a tow!
The crane lifts the net with the black van inside and shatters it against a wall. Mrs. Grifter hoists the van up and down to shake the money out of it.
A rain of thick packets of hundred dollar bills falls on the street.
With a quickness that belies her age, Mrs. Grifter adroitly climbs down the crane with a backpack and picks up the money lying on the sidewalk. The van hangs above the street, both escorts dead in the net with blood trickling down their temples.
Mrs. Grifter crams the dough into her backpack, looks around making sure she hasn't been noticed by anyone and walks away, disappearing into a shadowy service alley leading nowhere in particular...
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S ROOM – NEXT DAY, DAWN
A twenty-something unshaven shaggy skinny guy (Lenny) slumbers in a dim room – a converted cellar.
A rat climbs up a bookshelf next to his bed, runs past a row of books on archeology.
After a while, the rat gets trapped into dentures lying on the shelf.
The chattering dentures break Lenny's sleep.
The springs in his bed creak terribly when he rolls over. He slaps at the alarm clock but he notices that the noise is made by the dentures.
He drags himself out of bed and throws the dead rat through the window.
There's a knock at the door. A nightgown-clad old woman with uncombed hair (Mrs. Grifter), cucumber facial mask on face, artificial limbs, enters the room and turns the light on. A naked light-bulb dangles from a wire.
MRS. GRIFTER
What's all the noise in here!?
The room appears to be a mess. It's taken over by fat volumes.
Wallpaper's peeling off the walls, patches of mildew on the ceiling. The carpet is threadbare and filthy. Here are a couple pieces of haggard furniture with stuffing spilling out of the gashes.
A framed diploma, dusty and unkempt, hangs askew on the wall.
There's also a beat-up dresser with a little DVD/TV combo sitting on top of it. Dirty clothes piled everywhere. Shoes and socks lay where they had been flung.
Mrs. Grifter presses a button behind her ears and her hair immediately gets combed.
Lenny holds out the dentures and hands them to Mrs. Grifter.
LENNY
(groping for an excuse)
I was brushing your dentures with an ultramodern cleaner called Rodental!
Mrs. Grifter puts in her dentures.
MRS. GRIFTER
Saaay – why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?
(beat)
I know! Today, you're exactly three months behind with the rent! Don't butter me up 'cause it's not going to help! You parasitic insect!
Mrs. Grifter takes an insect killer from the floor and sprays it in Lenny's face.
He shields himself with his comforter.
MRS. GRIFTER (CONT'D)
My son provides for his large family by working three jobs. But you can't even provide for a rat.
They sneak into your room and immediately die from starvation!
She slams the door as she walks away.
LENNY
(out loud)
You're wrong! That rat spent with me a whole week!
(beat)
Mrs. Grifter! Do you have any leftovers from your yesterday's chicken?
Mrs. Grifter opens the door and tosses some scraps of chicken onto Lenny's bed.
Lenny picks them up and puts into a medium-sized KFC box holding some other scraps of chicken. Next, Lenny hides the box under his bed.
EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S BUNGALOW, SOME HOURS LATER
Lenny, dressed in worn-out heavily-frayed khaki shorts and a faded T-shirt, hoes the earth and spades cow manure called MOO DOO into the flower beds in Mrs. Grifter's front yard – he seems to be just going through the motions. Lenny is sipping Budweiser.
Mrs. Grifter's bungalow is rather humble and run-down - just like the whole bland suburban neighborhood.
She knits a cobwebby mesh, sitting in a rocking-chair in the garden.
A mailman appears. He slowly scuffs, dragging three dogs latched on to his legs.
MAILMAN
Hello Lenny. What an interesting excavation. It smells as if you've found Tutankhamen's toilet bowl!
He looks at Lenny with an expression bordering on pity.
LENNY
Hey, you walking dog's dinner! I'm doing it only because I must somehow work off a debt!
MAILMAN
Work off a debt? Ha! Ha! Ha! Dude, you're constantly in debt, so try and invent a better excuse! Just admit that you love the smell of the shit – just like the dung beetle worshiped by the ancient Egyptians.
Lenny can't hold it much longer and throws a spadeful of manure at the mailman, but he dodges it.
MAILMAN
Mrs. Grifter. Here is the pension for you.
The mailman walks over to Mrs. Grifter and hands over the cash.
MRS. GRIFTER
What a fortune! I'll buy a self-combing wig on the installment plan. Now I have enough money for eight hairs. Or I'll buy one nail of an automatic artificial leg!
MAILMAN
By the way, do you have any effective cure for leaden legs?
Reluctantly, Mrs. Grifter fetches him a tiny canister of pepper spray.
The mailmam douses his legs with pepper spray, making the dogs run away yelping.
MAILMAN
Many thanks, Mrs. Grifter.
The mailman walks away, giving Mrs. Grifter a wave goodbye.
Mrs. Grifter settles herself back into her chair and resumes knitting the net.
LENNY
But you already have the automatic leg and the wig. Where do you get your money?
MRS. GRIFTER
Keep your nose to your own business, stinker!
EXT. BOULEVARD – ANOTHER SUNNY DAY
A battered hearse floats up a boulevard, gliding through a canyon of mansion walls.
EXT. MANSION – MOMENTS LATER
Lenny parks his clunker-hearse in front of a mansion. He maneuvers his vehicle into a narrow space between roadsters.
The body of the car is badly rusted. The hearse has ”Carriongton Fun Real” emblazoned along it in bright yellow letters.
Lenny climbs out and and props the tailgate open. He takes out a buzz saw and a drill.
He whistles to himself, then walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell.
The door is made of steel. It's state-of-the-art residential protection. There is no answer, so he rings the doorbell again, then raps on the door. Again no answer, so he bangs on the door vigorously... in vain.
LENNY
Hey, I must show you somethin' special! These are really efficient tools. Why these are so strong? Because they have diamond bits and blades. You never open your door to hawkers? It’s not gonna be a problem!
Lenny puts on safety goggles and drills a hole in the door. He cups his hands against the hole and squints inside.
LENNY (CONT'D)
Choose our offer to have the strength of a diamond!
(beat)
I know you're there...
Sparks are flying as Lenny cuts out a big piece from the door. Next, he enters the mansion through the hole he made.
INT.MANSION, HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Lenny blows his nose into a Kleenex and puts it back into his pocket.
Lenny prowls around the house, trying doors.
INT.MANSION, GYM - CONTINUOUS
Finally he encounters an old man with two artificial legs – half man and half Robocop. In sweats and wearing an iPod, he is working out on an exercise bike.
Lenny motions to him that he wants to talk.
The old man takes off the headphones.
OLD MAN
Oh, hello. You must be an applicant for my janitor... I was flooded with résumés from all over the country from just that one classified!
(beat)
I'm Bob and what's your name?
He extends his hand to shake.
LENNY
Hi, I'm Lenny. Pleased to meet you. Actually, I'm from “Carriongton Fun Real” funeral home. This is our business card.
Lenny plunges his hand into his pocket, comes up with the snotty Kleenex... and hands it to the man. The old man takes it. The snotty Kleenex sticks to his hand. He tries to shake it off, disgusted.
OLD MAN
What?!
Lenny notices what he's given and hands the actual business card to the old man.
LENNY
Oh! Sorry! I'm happy to announce an absolutely new service. After cremation, your ashes may be transformed into diamond! It's the hardest substance known!
Lenny shows the diamond drill to the old man.
LENNY (CONT'D)
I'll show you something. I'll be right back!
Lenny exits the gym to bring the cutout from the steel door. He places the cutout before the old man and drills a hole in it, satisfied.
LENNY (CONT'D)
This bit is equipped with a diamond tip. I bet you haven't seen something of this strength! Now, with Carriongton Fun Real you can be as strong as diamond!
OLD MAN
Impressive... but...
LENNY
We also offer caskets with lifelong guarantee.
The lively old man gets off the exercise bike but he leaves there his steel artificial leg, which is still pedaling like the devil.
After a while, the old man reattaches the artificial limb to his trunk.
OLD MAN
I'm afraid that your offer is a bit premature. I do 100 miles on my bike every day without being breathless! I'm gonna live another 90 years!
LENNY
OK! Roger that.
(beat)
So let's meet at your house in 90 years! How about Thursday morning?
Lenny consults his Filofax.
OLD MAN
Fine by me.
LENNY
See you then!
Lenny waves goodbye to the old man.
EXT. MANSION – MOMENTS LATER
Lenny has problems starting his car. We hear the sound of the car's ignition coughing, but the engine will not turn over.
The lively old man offers his help – he vigorously pushes Lenny's car. Lenny guns the engine and shifts from neutral to first. The hearse is revving low. The stunned Lenny drives away.
The old man shakes his head with pity.
He is about to enter his mansion when notices the big hole in the steel door.
OLD MAN
(to himself)
What has happened to the door?!
(beat)
The fucking motherfucker!!!
EXT. CEMETERY, SOME HOURS LATER
Lenny digs a very deep grave in a cemetery. His dirty hearse is parked nearby.
There is also another bespectacled twenty-something gravedigger with unruly mop of hair (Freddie), in a ratty T-shirt, wearing chums on his glasses. His eyes are magnified by his thick glasses which are misted over.
They both sweat buckets and wipe their foreheads. Fatigue is etched on their faces. They pause in their digging every few moments to take a slug from a can of Budweiser, panting for breath.
A pipe-smoking tall cadaverous man with upswept hair and receding hairline (Mr. Carriongton), wearing a black suit, supervises them. His pipe is clamped firmly between his teeth. He leans against the hearse for support.
MR. CARRIONGTON
(preaches to himself)
On the eighth day, God made the car. And he saw that it was good. Thank God for road accident victims! That's why I like cars so much...
He strokes the hearse and notices dust on his palm. Next, he touches the passenger seat with disgust.
MR. CARRIONGTON (CONT'D)
Lenny! Clean finally our hearse! The seats are so dirty that you don't need to fasten seat belts because you just stick to the seat!
(beat)
It's important to create a good impression when you meet a new client!
(beat)
But it's all for nothing if you can't sell a genuine diamond!!! It's basic! There are agents who can even palm off perforated condoms!
(beat)
I expect too much of you... you stupid archeologist...
LENNY
But I've had a few nibbles from potential clients. I'd even set up an initial meeting with one guy! In 90 years...
MR. CARRIONGTON
Initial meeting?! In 90 years?!
LENNY
These oldsters are forever like diamonds! They replace their old body parts with nuclear prostheses and become virtually immortal!
FREDDIE
That's true!
Mr. Carriongton gesticulates wildly as he preaches at Lenny. Lenny rolls his eyes.
MR. CARRIONGTON
You should arouse in people a desire for our services. You must describe our offer as something worth dying for! We want these oldsters have a death wish. Good client is a dead client! We must benefit from the graying of America! The country is full of old folks having one foot in the grave!
Freddie
But it's an immortal titanium foot...
MR. CARRIONGTON
(to Freddie)
Shut up! You must hold the spade by the lower part of the handle. Let's practice!
Freddie takes ,,digging lesson'' which resembles golf lesson.
MR. CARRIONGTON
And this is the perfect spade swing.
FREDDIE
Thank you Mr. Carriongton. You are a real professional!
Freddie breaks the handle of his spade. Next, he applies a plaster cast to the broken handle. Mr. Carriongton shakes his head seeing this.
FREDDIE
(to Lenny)
Do you believe in life after death?
LENNY
Yeah. But with my luck my spirit will return to life in a graveworm's body.
(beat)
Mr. Carriongton, must we dig such a deep fallout shelter? The cold war is over!
Lenny lets his spade rest at his side.
MR. CARRIONGTON
It was the last will of our client! He gave instructions to be buried as deep as possible.
(beat)
We are working on commission. 100 bucks for every foot.
LENNY
So let's go the whole hog with it!
FREDDIE
What do you mean?!
LENNY
There is an exhausted oil well nearby. It's about half-mile deep!
Mr. Carriongton points at Lenny in a “now you're thinking” way.
MR. CARRIONGTON
Now you're talking!
EXT. HIGHWAY/INT. HEARSE, ANOTHER SUNNY DAY
The hearse moves at a snail's pace down a highway full of traffic. Clouds of exhaust. Lenny bangs on the horn in fury. His cell phone chirps and he reaches into his pocket.
LENNY
(into phone)
Yes, yes... Mr. Carriongton.
(beat)
But I got bogged down in a traffic jam!
(beat)
The funeral begins at 3.00?! Shit! I haven't cremated the body yet!
Lenny ends the call, frantic with worry.
He notices that the carpool lane is less congested. He hops out of the car, runs up to the rear of the hearse, opens the tailgate and then pushes the lid off the coffin.
He heaves outside a stiff, black-suit-clad, dead man and drags the body up to the front passenger door.
The drivers and passengers from the cars being stuck in traffic observe Lenny's doings, aghast.
Lenny seats the dead man in the front passenger seat and shuts the door, satisfied.
The jalopy-hearse pulls into the carpool lane and squeals away, laying rubber.
EXT. CEMETERY – SOME HOURS LATER
At a funeral, Lenny and Freddie (in black tailcoats and top hats) lower an urn by two ropes into an oil well.
Mr. Carriongton (also in a black tailcoat and top hat) stands on a small platform delivering his eulogy.
MR. CARRIONGTON
He was much loved and will be sadly missed. But for what will be remembered Dick Long – a respected, self-effacing racketeer...
(beat)
For that he never raped a woman... without a condom...
(beat)
For that he never downloaded illegal music and movies... because he didn't know how...
(beat)
For that he didn't die from bullet wounds as his workmates used to but got hit by a school bus and then run over by a garbage truck. The whole community is deeply grieved by his tragic death.
The mourners aren't very delighted by Mr. Carriongton's speech, especially when he is suddenly seized by a racking cough - a horrible smoker's cough that makes him double over.
MR. CARRIONGTON (CONT'D)
But let's face it. Dick was kind of a tick, if you'll pardon the expression. He was a leech, a flea that sucks the money of other people!
All the mourners, eyes blazing with menace, whip out their guns and aim them at the terrified Mr. Carriongton. His voice drops to a hoarse whisper.
MR. CARRIONGTON (CONT'D)
Wait! You don't know what I'm driving at!
(beat)
Who created these bloodsuckers? God! God made these creatures! And he saw that they were good! Now our society tries to exterminate these poor little things because nobody likes them and doesn't know how important they are. But God knows what these bloodsuckers exist for!
(beat)
It's one of the great mysteries of life!
The mourners holster their guns - Mr. Carriongton's speech brought a lump to their throats. Some women dab at their eyes with tissues.
Woman
(through her tears)
This is so deep...
Mulleted goon
(portentously)
Yeah, half a mile...
Suddenly, the ropes slip completely from Lenny's and Freddie's hands so that the urn plummets, triggering an uproar among all assembled people.
MR. CARRIONGTON
(placating, to the mourners)
We may be having a bit of technical difficulty...
(whispering to himself)
This isn't happening. This isn't happening...
The earth is quaking. A burst of oil comes straight up and sprays all over the people. The jet of petroleum throws the urn out.
People gaze in wonder as the urn lands on a car, shattering its windshield. Seeing this, Mr. Carriongton furrows his brow.
Sounds of moans and groans. Some women fall down in a dead faint, doused in a splashing rain of oil.
The mourners fire their guns at Lenny, Freddie, and Carriongton who make off but the bullets miss them 'cause everybody's eyes are bathed in oil.
MR. CARRIONGTON
(breathlessly)
Something tells me we'd better relocate our funeral home, or these guys will put us out of business!
LENNY
But before that, we must relocate our asses!
EXT. BUSY STREET – NEXT DAY
Lenny walks down the street, heading for a street guitarist (Ron) looking like Slash. Ron, the demon of the electric guitar, shows a dazzling display of his talent. He busts a move, playing his futuristic guitar. He is no dilettante – the music is clean and professional.
As Ron notices Lenny approaching him, he shows no sign of it. Lenny walks over to him.
LENNY
Hi Ron! Nice performance... Er, you got any spare cash?
Ron continues playing as if Lenny were not here. Lenny slowly waves his hand in front of Ron's eyes, getting zero response.
Impatient, Lenny unplugs Ron's electric guitar.
RON
What the hell!? Oh, its you again!?
LENNY
Hey, I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you...
RON
Man... It isn't Live 8. I'm not Bob Geldof nor Bono! There are limits to my charity!
LENNY
Lend me some money, will you? - even if it's only ten bucks...
RON
Man! I just said something!
LENNY
I promise to return you the money with interest!
RON
How?
LENNY
I'll sell my kidney!
RON
But you had already sold it last year!
LENNY
I'll sell the other one. People have two kidneys. Didn't you know?
Ron gives him a compassionate look.
RON
OK... Take it... But it's the last time!
Ron takes some money out of the guitar case and passes it to Lenny.
LENNY
Thanks!
EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE – NEXT DAY
Lenny and Freddie get off a bus and walk toward Mrs. Grifter's house, Budweiser cans in hands.
FREDDIE
I was in the middle of buying spades for our funeral home when the new boyfriend of my ex-girlfriend entered the shop. He starts talking to me about work. Now, I don't want to talk to this loser about anything, let alone work. Because work's a touchy subject with me. But it's too late, the touchy subject has been broached.
LENNY
What did you tell him?
FREDDIE
I work as a military surgeon who spends his days and nights in the trenches and I must operate the spade as well as I operate the scalpel. Bombs and machine guns are kabooming and ratatattating all around me, all the time.
LENNY
What'd'ya call it? A different way of seeing the same thing, Mr. military surgeon?
(beat)
Talking of surgery, could you operate on my chicken?
FREDDIE
Sure! I'll bring the equipment.
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Freddie enters Lenny's dingy basement – he is dressed as a surgeon.
Lenny pulls the cardboard box out from under his bed and pops it open. He shakes the scraps of chicken over a table, under a lamp.
Freddie arranges the scraps and sutures them together.
He recreates the chicken. It's a very meticulous plastic surgery. Lenny wipes the beads of sweat from Freddie's forehead.
A time-lapse sequence.
After four hours, the chicken looks as good as new.
Lenny goes over to a kitchenette and puts the recreated chicken in the microwave and turns it on.
Our boys tuck into the reconstructed and reheated chicken.
FREDDIE
There is a hair in my chicken!
Freddie pulls out a hair from his drumstick.
LENNY
But that's impossible! Chickens are covered with feathers, not with hair.
FREDDIE
Hair, hair, hair! I hate it!
LENNY
Calm down!
FREDDIE
Sorry...
(beat)
My girl dropped me for some hairy Neanderthal! I lost my girlfriend only because that bozo has a hairier torso than mine!
(beat)
I must get my revenge on him for that. Could you help me with it?
EXT. QUIET RESIDENTIAL STREET – NIGHT
Before dawn, Lenny stealthily tampers with the side mirrors of cars parked along the street. Freddie follows Lenny closely.
FREDDIE
Will that work?
LENNY
Trust me. The sun god Re has an enormous power!
The ancient priests of Egypt were able to predict eclipses. They knew how the Sun moves through the sky during the different seasons. And I know what they knew!
A time-lapse sequence.
As the sun rises, the side mirrors reflect the rays onto a bungalow.
Our boys observe that house, crouching behind a hedge.
The rays converge on a point, which rakes the front of the house, moving slowly toward the door.
A paper boy throws a newspaper on the front steps.
A guy with hairy chest emerges from the building and stoops to pick up the newspaper.
As the hirsute lad straightens, the focused light rays set his torso hair afire.
Lenny and Freddie high-five each other.
They walk away, satisfied.
INT. BUS – MOVING - MOMENTS LATER
Lenny and Freddie get on a bus.
There is a gorgeous lass in her mid-20s, Betty, at the other end of the bus. She is a shapely leggy girl with black hair held up in a ponytail. Betty wears a figure-hugging fiery T-shirt that reads “Hot Bed” in large letters along the front.
Our boys devour her with their eyes as she flips her ponytail across one shoulder.
The bus roars past a sign that reads: Welcome to the San Diego Zoo.
At the next bus stop, a nun and android-like old men with artificial limbs get aboard.
NUN
(to the old men)
I will never take you out anywhere!
(beat)
Aren't you ashamed of yourself? What's possessed you to rape those baboons?
OLD MAN 1
I need a real wild sex! Do you think that mere receiving anti-constipation suppositories can fulfill me sexually?
OLD MAN 2
There was a sign reading: “Do Not Feed the Animals”. I haven't seen any sign reading: “Do Not Fuck the Animals”!
NUN
You know the rules. This is a catholic retirement home. Sex is prohibited! Especially with animals!
OLD MAN 3
Even The Book says: Be fertile and become many. Fill the land and conquer it. Dominate the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and every beast that walks the land.
NUN
My God! But it's not about sexual domination!
(beat)
Anyway, you have completed your procreative mission a long time ago!
OLD MAN 4
What mission?! I haven't completed that mission yet! You've put a ban on playing GTA!
NUN
If your friend hadn't run over that caretaker, you still would be allowed to play GTA.
OLD MAN 2
C’mon, I was only testing my motorized wheelchair!
OLD MAN 4
I'm not gonna play chess to my dying day in that prison! I want GTA!
OLD MAN 1
OLD MAN 2
OLD MAN 3
OLD MAN 4
(chanting)
We want GTA! We want GTA! We want GTA!
OLD MAN 2
Let's play it here...
(to the bus driver)
Would you be so kind as to give up your seat to an elderly person?
The old man 2 breaks into driver's cab, throws the driver through the window and sits at the wheel.
The bus picks up speed.
The old man 1 breaks off a piece of handrail, shatters the window and sticks the rod out.
He jousts - charging with his ”lance” at bus shelters and phone booths. In spite of his old age, he is light and deft in his movements.
OLD MAN 1
Let's fight for freedom.
OLD MAN 3
Let's fight for... free artificial limbs!
OLD MAN 4
Let's fight for free electric blankets!
Old man 4 spots the frightened Betty and points at her.
OLD MAN 4
Hey, isn't that girl from the electric blanket factory?
(to Betty)
You wanna reduce us to begging?! We have to pay 2 grand for a blanket!
Furious, old man 4 hangs Betty by her neck on the hanging strap.
Lenny and Freddie rush to Betty's rescue.
Freddie jabs his finger into old man 4's ribs. The old man falls dead.
Lenny extricates Betty from the loop.
He opens the door.
LENNY
We're jumping out!
Lenny, Freddie and Betty jump out of the speeding bus to land on a grocery stall.
EXT. BUSY STREET - CONTINUOUS
Lenny, Freddie and Betty are lying next to each other.
Betty gives Lenny and Freddie two big kisses and hugs.
BETTY
Thank you! I can't thank you enough, fellas.
(beat)
I'm Betty.
Betty, Lenny and Freddie haul themselves out of the stall and walk down the street.
FREDDIE
You can call me Freddie.
LENNY
I'm Lenny. My pleasure, Betty.
BETTY
Hey, Freddie. You've killed that oldster like ninjas do!
FREDDIE
No sweat! I studied medicine. I've simply pushed the button of his artificial pacemaker to turn it off.
LENNY
Beware of Freddie! He's a black belt in Kamasutra – he can overwhelm you with one finger!
Betty jumps over a phone booth. Then she hops into a large dumpster standing in her way and jumps out of there, pretty dirty.
Our boys look at each other.
LENNY
Hey! Are you a parkourist or something?
BETTY
Yeah! It allows me to save a lot of time just like taking short cuts.
FREDDIE
We'll see you to your place, OK?
BETTY
Thanks, guys.
LENNY
Where are you from? Do you live in this area?
BETTY
Yes, I live one block from here.
Lenny takes Freddie aside.
LENNY
She is only one. We are two – I won't let it end with a group sex again!
FREDDIE
You're right. It wasn't a pleasurable sensation when you've put your dick into my ass last time! We don't really need to do this kind of male bonding!
LENNY
It was dark and I've mistaken you for that chick! You shouldn't have depilation and peeling that often!
FREDDIE
That's required by my new job.
LENNY
What job?
FREDDIE
Let's drop the subject. We must decide who will sleep with her.
LENNY
I saw her first! I have first dibs.
FREDDIE
Really? I saw her first!
LENNY
No, I was the first!
FREDDIE
OK. This is the only solution - odd or even?
LENNY
Even.
Our boys play odd or even.
LENNY
I won! I won!
Lenny takes a look around.
LENNY (CONT'D)
Hey, where is she?!
Our boys spy Betty climbing up the skyscraper standing at the end of the street.
Lenny and Freddie stand stupefied by her doings.
LENNY
She seems kinda unreachable.
EXT. ELECTRIC BLANKET FACTORY – NEXT DAY
Lenny pulls up his clunker-hearse in front of the electric blanket factory called “Hot Bed” and observes workers leaving the building, while fixing his hair in the rear view mirror.
Lenny gets out of his car as he catches sight of a willowy Betty. He watches her, enchanted. Betty totes a bulky bobbin, wearing a blouse that leaves nothing to the imagination. A man accosts her and cops a feel. Betty bitch slaps him, knocking him out cold.
Lenny is surprised to see that. He walks over to Betty, making goo-goo eyes at her.
LENNY
Hello!
BETTY
Oh hello! How nice to see you!
LENNY
Really? So why have you left me and Freddie on the street?
BETTY
You should have followed me!
They slowly walk toward a busy street.
EXT. BUSY STREET - CONTINUOUS
LENNY
Sorry, but I am not a fly. I can't climb walls, even if my landlady calls me an insect.
And speaking of insects – how 'bout we play cockroaches?
BETTY
What?!
LENNY
Cockroaches. It's simple. The object of the game is to successfully lead a cockroach across the street.
Lenny takes two cockroaches from a garbage can.
LENNY
Have a try!
Lenny gives Betty one cockroach. Betty takes the insect in disgust and places it on the roadway. She crosses the street followed by the cockroach, which she directs by means of a banana held before it.
Lenny instructs her in the game. Cars roar past with their horns blaring. Suddenly, a speeding car runs over the cockroach. Betty jumps aside to avoid being hit by the car.
BETTY
Hey, I like it! It's your turn!
Lenny's cockroach runs in circles and isn't willing to follow the banana. Several cars narrowly miss hitting Lenny. The horns of the cars blare. He turns to see a car directly behind him.
LENNY
Drive around me, you booby!
Lenny spots a road sign “Detour” and puts it before the cockroach.
As he stands next to the “Detour” sign, a huge tank truck comes to a screeching halt before him, jackknifing. A wave of milk spills out of the tank, spattering Lenny and Betty.
They run away to escape in Lenny's clunker-hearse. The old car coughs and sputters before starting.
INT. LENNY'S HEARSE – MOVING - CONTINUOUS
LENNY
Hey, it's a living!
BETTY
Nice disruption! You are a real troublemaker!
Do you work for a funeral home?
They are talking loud, as the clunker does not provide a quiet ride.
LENNY
No, I am an archeologist... that is a digger... that is a gravedigger.
BETTY
Oh man, I'm sorry, Lenny.
Betty puts her hand on Lenny's shoulder compassionately.
LENNY
Uh, this isn't my real job, you know. It's only temporary.
Their conversation is punctuated by uncomfortable silence.
BETTY
Now I feel like Cleopatra! She used to bathe in milk.
LENNY
You're well versed in Egyptology.
BETTY
No, I read Cosmopolitan.
LENNY
I can give you a ride to your house if you like.
BETTY
That would be great, but it is in opposite direction.
Lenny wrestles with the steering wheel trying to make a turn.
LENNY
Shit! The stupid steering wheel locked up again!
BETTY
What?!
LENNY
You know, sometimes ultramodern devices can turn against human beings.
Betty notices a hole in the hearse's roof.
BETTY
I know a garage that does good bodywork.
With effort, Lenny pushes the steering wheel with his legs to take turns.
LENNY
I don't need it. My boss doesn't agree with me but I think the rust and holes are a good a reminder for our potential clients that everything dies. No one's immortal. Even Robocop or Iron Man will corrode.
INT. BETTY'S PLACE – MOMENTS LATER
Lenny and Betty enter a chokingly small apartment which is a very well equipped home gym.
Lenny bonks his head against a big exercise device. Betty gives him a hard hat and Lenny puts it on.
BETTY
Sorry, I'm an exercise fanatic.
(beat)
Make yourself at home. I'll be just a minute...
Betty goes into the bathroom. Lenny plonks himself down on the sofa and then flips on the TV. “THE MOMENT OF TRUTH” airs:
HOST
The million dollar question is: do you have a secret soundproof cellar under your house where you've been detaining your daughter since 1986 to rape her every day?
PARTICIPANT
Yes, I do...
HOST
You are telling the truth! Congratulations! The million belongs to you!
Four police officers rush in to handcuff the participant.
LENNY
(to himself)
Holy shit! Stephen King should sell cotton candy!
HOST
It's a whole lot of money but I'm not sure if it's enough to bail you out...
(beat)
We'll be right back after a commercial break.
A poorly produced commercial for “Sexy Proxy” comes on: a bushed pallid black-suit-clad businessman with a briefcase is lying in a casket standing next to a bed, covered in luxurious satin sheets, on which a half-naked Freddie is petting a sexy young woman in lingerie. The pallid businessman gives the woman in the bed a semiconscious leer from time to time.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You often have to work overtime. You work yourself into the ground. Deadlines are killing you. You are dead on your feet. And you are dead in your briefs. Your wife is hard up for sex because necrophilia is illegal. Help your wife! Employ the Sexy Proxy. Our Sexy Proxy will have sex with her on your behalf. Just tell him what you wanna do with your wife and the Sexy Proxy will operate on your sexual agenda. Next, you will receive a detailed report on your wife's climaxes.
LENNY
(to himself)
Freddie!? You swinger!
A dolled up Betty appears in the doorway. Lenny ogles her as she's quite an eyeful.
BETTY
Something to eat?
LENNY
Some leftovers sure would hit the spot...
BETTY
Leftovers?! I don't know any recipe for leftovers. But I have somethin' delicious for you!
LENNY
Thanks...
BETTY
Come to the bathroom.
Betty beckons Lenny to the bathroom where there she undresses and gets into the bathtub filled with milk and corn flakes.
LENNY
Waiter! There is a long-haired girl in my soup!
BETTY
We must finish the milk bath... Go ahead! Milk does a body good.
Lenny takes off his clothes and joins Betty.
BETTY(CONT'D)
Modern women must cope with many things simultaneously. You have to take a bath, eat and have sex at the same time. It's called multitasking.
LENNY
I like multitasking! Yum yum!
Betty eats corn flakes off Lenny's skin, so does Lenny. They go to make love.
BETTY
Have a bite of me and I'll have a bite of you...
LENNY
What?!
BETTY
Bite me!
Lenny gingerly takes Betty in his arms and begins nibbling her ear.
BETTY
That all you got? Again. Harder.
Lenny tries a little harder.
BETTY
Come on! Do it like this!
Betty bites Lenny so hard that he gives a piercing scream.
LENNY
Ouch, you're hurting me!
LATER
Lenny and Betty lie asleep in the tub. Lenny flops his hickey-studded arm over the edge of the bathtub. Betty cuddles into him. They begin to shiver from cold and wake up, get out and towel themselves.
BETTY
A blanket will warm you.
LENNY
Electric blanket?! Great!
Lenny lies on the sofa. Betty covers him up with the electric blanket and plugs it in. Lenny stretches himself in careless ease.
BETTY
Do you wanna eat breakfast with me?
LENNY
Sure!
Betty shifts the temperature switch on the blanket from min. to max. Afterwards, she cracks four eggs and spills them onto the electric blanket covering Lenny to fry them up. She slips under the blanket, fondling Lenny.
Lenny and Betty sweat profusely.
Lenny can't suppress his pain.
He squeaks and runs out, grabbing his togs. He speeds down the stairs, screaming.
BETTY
You don't like sadomasochistic eggs?!
EXT./INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY
Lenny meets Freddie in front of a funeral home called “Carriongton Fun Real”. They start to unload a truck with funeral wreaths and put them in the display window. The funeral home is thick with cigarette smoke.
LENNY
How's it hanging, Sexy Proxy? A nice little sideline you are doing - I saw you on TV.
FREDDIE
(whispering)
Hush! I'll get sacked if the boss finds out I've been moonlighting.
LENNY
You're lucky that Carriongton had to pawn his TV.
(beat)
How much do you pull in?
FREDDIE
(whispering)
It's an unpaid internship.
(beat)
(speaking up)
How did your date with Betty go?
LENNY
I dropped her like a hot potato!
FREDDIE
Why?!
LENNY
I'm burnt to a crisp!
Lenny rolls his T-shirt up, exposing his chest with severe burns.
FREDDIE
Jesus fucking Christ, how it happened?!
LENNY
She is a sadomasochist and tried to toast me under an electric blanket!
Freddie fetches a first aid kit and sprays something onto Lenny's chest.
FREDDIE
Hot chick...
LENNY
God punished me for what I had done to that guy with hairy torso... I deserved to fry! Ha ha ha!
In a billow of cigarette smoke, the pipe-smoking Mr. Carriongton exits the funeral home, locking the door behind him.
MR. CARRIONGTON
Hey, gentlemen. Today is payday! Here you go.
Mr. Carriongton gives them each two lottery tickets.
LENNY
You gotta be kidding. You give us lottery tickets and call it pay?! But these are worthless!
Lenny is boiling with frustration and stares at Mr. Carriongton like he's out of his mind.
MR. CARRIONGTON
Cool your jets, Lenny.
Mr. Carriongton nervously pulls out a pipe and torches it up.
MR. CARRIONGTON
You shoulda said “priceless”! These can be worth millions!
(beat)
Come on! Things are gonna get better, I promise!
Mr. Carriongton pats Lenny's shoulder. He has this hacking smoker's cough. Lenny appears somewhat mollified by Carriongton's words or by his cough.
EXT. QUIET STREET – MOMENTS LATER
They walk along the street.
Lenny, Freddie and Mr. Carriongton drift into Mini Mart to buy two six-packs of Budweiser. They exit the shop and walk slowly toward cemetery.
EXT. CEMETERY – MOMENTS LATER
These three sit down on a bench in a cemetery, sipping Budweiser.
MR. CARRIONGTON
We're wasting time. Let's mobilize. Life is short like... like ephemeral blossoms...
They all look like they have had one too many.
FREDDIE
(popping a beer from the six pack)
Like a firework.
MR. CARRIONGTON
Like a short story.
LENNY
Like a short circuit.
MR. CARRIONGTON
Shut your trap! You are hammered!
(beat)
Freddie, you said “a firework”?
FREDDIE
Yeah...
MR. CARRIONGTON
Wait a second.
(beat)
I think I just had an idea. It can be done! Let's mix ashes with gunpowder!
Lenny and Freddie seem to like the idea.
LENNY
Just like Alfred Nobel did!
FREDDIE
We will win a Nobel Prize!
They all brighten up, delighted at their new prospects, and clink their beers together.
EXT. CEMETERY – SOME DAYS LATER - DUSK
At a funeral, a casket's lid slowly lifts up by itself and a skyrocket flies out of it.
The firework ascends high. All the mourners stare open-mouthed at the skyrocket.
Suddenly, the firework drops to the ground nearby and explodes powerfully, gouging there a huge smoky crater.
The explosion creates a shock wave. Some persons get blasted back.
There is a collective groan. Lenny and Freddie hold their heads in their hands. Mr. Carriongton throws up his arms, defeated.
Lenny jumps away from Mr. Carriongton. Freddie follows suit.
Lenny points his finger at Mr. Carriongton.
LENNY
It was all his idea!
(beat)
He forced us to work for him without pay!
FREDDIE
Yeah! Actually, we don't work for that man. He can't even produce any papers to prove it!
LENNY
We don't know him!
INT. COURTROOM – SOME DAYS LATER
At a trial, Mr. Carriongton, Lenny and Freddie are standing in the dock, manacled and shackled. The judge pronounces sentence on them. All the blood drains from their faces as the verdict is being read.
JUDGE
(to Lenny and Freddie)
You two will clean up the mess.
(to Mr. Carriongton)
And you, Mr. Carriongton... 50 years hard labor for terrorist attack!
Lenny and Freddie heave a sigh of relief.
MR. CARRIONGTON
Hard labor?!
JUDGE
Yeah! Blow job!
Mr. Carriongton clutches his chest, like he's having a seizure.
EXT. WIND FARM - DAY
Some 1000 prisoners, including Mr. Carriongton, blow on a big wind turbine. All the men wear the same federal prison clothing. Some 20 armed prison guards watch over the convicts.
PRISON GUARD
That will make you respect the alternative sources of energy!
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
In a cemetery, Lenny and Freddie fill the crater with earth. They move sluggishly, wiping perspiration from their foreheads. Their chests are heaving with the effort. They trade swigs from a can of Budweiser.
FREDDIE
Shit! It will take several days to fill the hole.
LENNY
Thank God, we managed to put the whole blame on Carriongton.
(beat)
Nice calamity! It nearly blew us to kingdom come! You should have warned us that batteries for artificial limbs contain plutonium.
FREDDIE
Sorry. This android guy was entirely cremated and I didn't expect any chain reaction!
(beat)
C'mon... It wasn't a complete failure... I bet it's a blessing in disguise... At any rate, we learned something...
LENNY
Yeah, not to work as gravediggers anymore...
(beat)
It is as if we were burying our fucking funeral home. This is the end! I'm really happy with it!
FREDDIE
So am I. We must celebrate it!
LENNY
But I'm flat broke.
FREDDIE
Don't worry! I have 90 bucks - sold some stuff from our funeral home to my ex-girlfriend.
LENNY
To your ex-girlfriend?! She wanted to buy that tacky junk?
FREDDIE
Yeah... She's a firm believer in recycling.
EXT. ROUGH SEA - DAY
On the open sea, a Baywatch-style life guard babe on a motorboat throws a life buoy to a drowning man. The life ring appears to be a funeral wreath with a “REST IN PEACE” ribbon.
DROWNING MAN
Hey, I'm still alive! I don't need a funeral wreath!
EXT. NIGHT CLUB - EVENING
The clunker-hearse pulls up in front of a nightclub called ”Pacifier”. Lenny and Freddie step out of the car and head for the club.
FREDDIE
You're gonna love it. This club has the reputation of being free from brawls.
As our guys try to enter the club, a hulking bull-necked bouncer gives them the once-over and whacks them in the face so heavily that they black out.
A few seconds later, our boys struggle to their feet, half-conscious.
LENNY
Why?
Lenny puts a finger to his nostril and examines it for blood, then he brushes himself off.
BOUNCER
It was a pre-emptive strike. Just in case you gonna pick fights!
Freddie blots his split lip with his sleeve.
INT. NIGHT CLUB - CONTINUOUS
With faltering steps, Lenny and Freddie enter the club and stagger toward the counter.
Behind them, the strapping bouncer strikes another three men walking into the nightclub, knocking them out cold.
LENNY
Now I know why this club is so quiet...
Lenny and Freddie climb onto bar stools looking like very high feeding chairs and saddle up to the bar. A bunny girl approaches them, leaning over the counter.
BUNNY GIRL
Well now what can I get you boys?
LENNY
A cup of black tea, from two bags.
BUNNY GIRL
A tea?! OK...
FREDDIE
Budweiser, please.
BUNNY GIRL
Budweiser! Thanks God there are still real men!
The club is full of dazed men with shiners. They are sitting in high feeding chairs, looking almost comatose. Bunny girls spoon-feed them. Go-go girls dance crazily. The men give the go-go girls drunken leers.
The bunny girl delivers Budweiser and the tea, setting them down with a negligent, easy grace.
Lenny takes two tea bags out of the cup and puts them on his eyelids.
BUNNY GIRL
What are you doing?!
LENNY
I'm treating my black eyes.
BUNNY GIRL
(to Freddie)
Hey, you must be Sexy Proxy!
FREDDIE
Yep, it's me.
BUNNY GIRL
I've seen you on TV! How did you get that job?
FREDDIE
I know every millimeter of the female body. I studied medicine.
BUNNY GIRL
So you don't need to use the GPS to localize the G-spot...
FREDDIE
Exactly...
Freddie ogles her lustily.
FREDDIE (CONT'D)
You seem well qualified for work in a night club.
Freddie has designs on the bunny girl.
BUNNY GIRL
I graduated from a night school.
The bar counter is rather low while the feeding chairs are quite high. Freddie's beer stands on the bar. It's provided with 3-foot-long transparent straw. Freddie can't suck the beer into his mouth – maybe 'cause he has a fat lip. The liquid column in the straw alternately rises and falls.
FREDDIE
Do you wanna take an oral exam?
Freddie checks out the bunny girl's body, while she puts a cold can of Budweiser to his bruised face. The bunny girl comes on strong to Freddie. She nods to him and they both leave the nightclub.
There begins an erotic wrestling match.
The bouncer rushes in to bust up the fight. He biffs the fighting girls in the face, flooring them.
BOUNCER
No fights!
Lenny takes the tea bags off his eyes.
LENNY
Did I miss anything interesting?
A man in his late fifties (Mr. Socket) is sitting next to Lenny. He's nursing a martini and looking a little sloshed.
MR. SOCKET
Nothing special...
(beat)
But I missed the meaning of life... I'm gonna go kill myself.
LENNY
That makes two of us...
MR. SOCKET
I've been stuck in a miserable job for the last 20 years. I'm just doing the same old thing year after year. Life is like water. Once it gets stagnant, it begins to stink. One day indistinguishable from the next. Every month, every year, they all look the same. Thank God there is one thing that changes - the calendar girls... New month – a new girl...
(beat)
I would like to do something big, but what big thing can a simple electrician do?
(beat)
Shit! I need help...
LENNY
Don't ask me to help you. I'm a walking disaster... I'm gonna save you from myself.
Mr. Socket gets an idea.
MR. SOCKET
Oh yeah, that's it, that's it! Jolly good idea, chap! That will be my finest effort! I must save somebody from a disaster!
Mr. Socket taps Lenny's shoulder.
LENNY
Yeah. Me, for example. I'm at the brink of financial Armageddon.
Mr. Socket reaches into his breastpocket to withdraw $5000 and lays it smoothly on the counter. Lenny goggles.
MR. SOCKET
Take it!
LENNY
Oh! My God! 5 grand! I'm your servant! I'm at your beck and call!
I'm Lenny. What's your name, my lord?
Lenny stuffs the money into his briefs.
MR. SOCKET
I am Willy Socket. You will get another 5000 bucks if you keep your end of the bargain.
LENNY
What bargain?
MR. SOCKET
You must orchestrate a disaster...
LENNY
... and you're gonna rescue somebody?
MR. SOCKET
That's it. Here is my phone number.
Mr. Socket slides a sheet of paper to Lenny and leaves the nightclub. Lenny is stupefied.
EXT. NIGHT CLUB – MOMENTS LATER
In front of the nightclub, there is parked the clunker-hearse. It bucks lowrider-style with the engine revving. Inside we see Freddie lying on the bunny girl. The rocking car propels Freddie – it lets him thrust.
The car starts to sputter and the engine dies. The rocking ceases. The gas gage reads empty. Now Freddie lies on the bunny girl perfectly still.
BUNNY GIRL
Get a move on, Sexy Proxy!
Freddie climbs out.
BUNNY GIRL (CONT'D)
Where are you going?! I was about to reach climax!
FREDDIE
I must refuel her! No fuel, no rocking.
I've been spading for ten straight hours and I'm too tired to do it by myself!
Freddie takes a jerry can out of his car.
BUNNY GIRL
So your sex drive runs on gas?
Lenny runs up to Freddie and shows him the money in his briefs.
LENNY
Freddie, we got a bully job!
FREDDIE
As strippers?
LENNY
No! It's more complicated...
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS - NIGHT
At night, Lenny slumbers in his mussy room.
He tosses and turns in the bed. The springs in his bed creak terribly. He can't make himself comfortable in the bed.
Lenny, decked out in a pair of polka-dot pajamas, starts to sleepwalk, barefoot.
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
He exits his room, bends his steps toward the stairs and lies down on the steps but he can't arrange himself in a cozy position. The steps don't make a satisfactory place to sleep.
EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Lenny leaves the bungalow and lies down on the sidewalk. He is rolling over, then lifts himself...
EXT. EMPTY STREET, TRACKS - CONTINUOUS
... and sleepwalks down an empty street toward railroad tracks.
Lenny snuggles on the track and is now fast asleep.
A train honks. Lenny gropes for his imaginary alarm clock in the darkness but there is only a pebble. He's bathed in the headlights of the locomotive. The train honks again. Lenny jolts awake and spots a high-speed electric train being on a collision course with him.
Lenny dives out of the track at the last moment.
LATER
Lenny walks along the tracks. He spies a payphone, goes to make a call, but he doesn't have any change. He is visibly excited.
Lenny spots Ron sleeping on the sidewalk. He steals up to him.
LENNY
(whispering)
Hey, Ron, can you spot me like 50 cents?
Ron mumbles in his sleep.
LENNY
(whispering)
Thanks.
He then pinches some coins from the guitar case.
Lenny enters the phone booth, puts coins into the pay phone and dials. The whites of his eyes are bloodshot.
LENNY
Freddie? It's Lenny. I've just hit upon a great idea! Actually, the idea almost hit upon me...
EXT. RAILROAD INTERSECTION - DAY
Lenny walks along tracks, holding a notepad, a pencil and a stopwatch in his hands. He notes down the times when trains go past him. A certain plan is taking shape in his head.
EXT. CITY PARK – SEVERAL HOURS LATER
Lenny and Freddie sit on a park bench, sipping Budweiser. Lenny studies printouts with train schedules.
FREDDIE
I've done some pretty stupid things in my life, but this really takes the cake! I'm not gonna cause a train wreck!
LENNY
C'mon! I've planned everything from A to Z. It will be a very safe smash-up! As safe as safe sex!
FREDDIE
Man! You must be delirious!
LENNY
No! All carriages will be empty like... like inflatable sex dolls!
FREDDIE
Hey! Stop using these stupid sexual metaphors! Although I am a part-time sex worker you are talking to a guy with IQ much higher than yours!
An angry Freddie points his finger at Lenny.
LENNY
Sorry, Freddie.
(beat)
Do you have any idea how to drive people away from the train? Help me a little!
FREDDIE
OK,OK... I'll try to come up with something...
(beat)
Do you remember when we were at high school and we put two skunks into the ventilation shaft?
LENNY
Oh yeah!!! Our principal ordered total evacuation! Those were the days...
EXT. TRAIN STATION – DAY
Acela Express pulls into a station, stops and disgorges hundreds of passengers pinching their noses closed and fanning their faces. Even the two engineers evacuate in a hurry.
Seeing this, Lenny runs up to the locomotive, gets in, pulls a lever and quickly jumps out. The empty express starts rolling but hardly anyone notices.
EXT. RAILROAD INTERSECTION – MOMENTS LATER
We see an electric freight train going. In the train's way there is washing hanging on the electrical wire.
As the locomotive goes under the washing, the pantograph (the arm for collecting electricity) comes off and the cargo train stops at the intersection. A beefy engineer gets off to look at the damage. Mr. Socket appears. He totes a toolbox.
MR. SOCKET
Hi! I'm an electrician and I'm going to repair your locomotive!
ENGINEER
Really?! You're a real godsend!!!
The beefy engineer runs up to Mr. Socket and gives him a big hug. We hear a crackle. Mr. Socket grabs his shoulder in pain. He pulls out his cell phone and hastily transfers $5000 into Lenny's account.
Mr. Socket tinkers with the pantograph.
The engineer grows impatient and looks down at his watch.
ENGINEER
Well hurry it up! There will be Acela Express in twenty minutes!
(beat)
Shit! I gotta warn them!
The engineer shoves his hand into his pocket, whips out his cell phone and hits speed dial.
INT. ACELA EXPRESS – MOVING - MOMENTS LATER
The superfast Acela Express is speeding. There are no people on board but several skunks. The locomotive, with no one at the controls, is occupied by two skunks too. The dispatch radio crackles to life.
DISPATCHER (V.O.)
Acela Express, come in, Acela Express! Stop the train!!! I repeat, stop the train!!!
EXT. RAILROAD INTERSECTION – MOMENTS LATER
We see the electric freight train standing at the intersection.
The engineer is very anxious, impatiently paces back and forth with the phone to his ear.
ENGINEER
(into phone)
Shit! Tell'em to stop the express!
(beat)
You must get in touch with them, otherwise a terrible accident will happen there!!! People will die!!!
(beat)
If you can't stop the train you could at least cut off the power in that wire so that Acela will lose some speed!
The engine driver approaches Mr. Socket tinkering with the pantograph.
ENGINEER
C'mon! Be quick!
MR. SOCKET
Don't rush me! I'm aching all over - you almost broke my arm!
Suddenly, they see the express coming at them. The engineer's breath is taken away. Mr. Socket climbs onto the locomotive's roof.
MR. SOCKET
I must save them!!!
Mr. Socket grabs the overhead wire. Sparks are flying as Mr. Socket acts as a human pantograph. The electric freight train moves away from the intersection, dodging Acela Express just in the nick of time. Mr. Socket drops dead.
INT. HEARSE – MOVING - SOME HOURS LATER
The clunker-hearse drives down a street. Lenny's behind the wheel and Freddie's in the passenger seat. They smoke joints.
LENNY
Our country needs heroes like Mr. Socket!
FREDDIE
It's not funny! He was convinced that he was saving people! Nobody would like to sacrifice their life for a herd of skunks!
LENNY
Maybe somebody from Greenpeace...
FREDDIE
Are skunks on the endangered species list?
LENNY
Yeah. They don't tolerate air pollution.
FREDDIE
So... so they destroy themselves?!
LENNY
Life is harsh. Collapse is imminent.
FREDDIE
It looks like Mr. Socket's death was really in vain...
LENNY
Of course not! He died a glorious death 'cause we got 10 grand for it! I love this job!
(beat)
We must check if there are more moneyed suicidal nuts like Socket!
FREDDIE
We could start a suicide prevention hotline and help people. I always wanted to help people!
LENNY
Nice idea! But our hotline must be a real money-maker!
FREDDIE
Why not!
Lenny flicks on the radio as they drive away.
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS - DAY
A newspaper opened to an ad lies on a table. Close up on the full-page ad headlined “Premium Suicide Hotline 0-777 SUICIDE. Our lines are open round the clock”. The micro-fine print, buried at the very bottom of the page, reads, "$10 per second of connection”.
Lenny and Freddie sit behind the rickety table. It's cluttered with beer cans. They smoke joints and swill Budweiser. There are two phones on the table.
LENNY
I paid through the nose for the line number and the ad so we must make up for it as soon as possible...
One phone rings. Freddie picks up the receiver. The phone cord is all tangled.
FREDDIE
(into phone)
Hello! What seems to be the trouble?
(beat)
You should try hypnosis. It can help with problems from anxiety to pain. Trust me. I studied medicine.
(beat)
Now lay back and relax. Count to 10.
(beat)
Then count to 100.
(beat)
Your eyelids become heavy. They close. May you tell me what you are thinking about right now?
(beat)
C'mon, don't be shy...
(beat)
Hello? Are you there? Hello!
(to Lenny)
Shit! I put him to sleep.
Freddie is about to hang up the phone when Lenny stops him.
LENNY
Wait! Did he hang up the phone?
FREDDIE
No...
LENNY
So let's hold the line...
FREDDIE
Man! It's like robbing somebody in their sleep!
LENNY
Exactly... Life is harsh.
Lenny leaves the phone off the hook. Freddie shakes his head in disgust at the whole situation.
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS – SOME DAYS LATER
An interior decorator inscribes hieroglyphs on the wall of Lenny's digs.
Some ten strapping overalls-clad guys lug a big water bed (it's filled with water) into Lenny's room. Afterwards, they carry in a big-screen TV set, the playstation, 4 Egyptian mummies, Tutankhamen's sarcophagus and a big pharaoh ant farm.
Lenny tips them all handsomely.
Mrs. Grifter stands there gawking at these doings.
Lenny puts his arm into his ant farm and allows the ants to walk upon his hand.
LENNY
(to ants)
My little, busy pharaoh ants.
Beware of Mrs. Grifter. She hates insects.
He stretches out in the sarcophagus with Budweiser in his hand.
EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE - DAY
A dump truck carrying tons of chicken scraps pulls up to Mrs. Grifter's bungalow. With hand signals, Lenny directs the trucker toward the window of Mrs. Grifter's room. The window bursts open when the driver empties his truck into Mrs. Grifter's room, just as she is watching “Bold and Beautiful”. Some 5 tons of leftovers.
Lenny stands by the window.
LENNY
Mrs. Grifter, I owed you a rather sizable debt of leftovers. You get everything back with 1000 percent interest.
Mrs. Grifter gives a gasp and faints from shock.
EXT. TALL OFFICE BUILDING, ROOF - DAY
A trembling businessman is teetering on the edge of the roof of a skyscraper. He is on the verge of jumping to his death, staring into the abyss. He pulls out his cell phone.
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS - CONTINUOUS
Lenny and Freddie sit behind a luxurious desk set out with cans of Budweiser in a row. Our desk jockeys look at the phones expectantly. One phone rings. Freddie answers.
FREDDIE
(into phone)
Hello! And welcome to Premium Suicide Hotline. How may I help you?
(beat)
Don't do this! Life is beautiful. Every day brings new exciting challenges. Every moment can surprise you. Your whole life can change overnight! One day you may be a garbage sleeping in a dumpster while another day you may get a job as a garbage man and start living the American Dream!
(beat)
You must be self-confident! Believe in yourself! This is the first step to the success. Don't stand still and blame life for everything – make the step forward! It's as easy as falling off a log.
(beat)
Just make the step!
LENNY
Wow! You delivered a speech befitting a president!
EXT. TALL OFFICE BUILDING, ROOF - CONTINUOUS
We see the guy jump off the skyscraper.
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS - CONTINUOUS
The line goes dead, just like the man.
FREDDIE
Well, how do you like that? He didn't even say thank you.
Lenny's phone rings. Lenny picks up the receiver while popping a beer with the same hand – this is the first sound the caller can hear.
LENNY
(into phone)
Hello! How are you?
(beat)
(to Freddie)
Freddie, is it possible to die from a contraceptive pills overdose?
Freddie shakes his head no.
LENNY
(into phone)
I'm afraid that you should try something stronger.
(beat)
I don't know... Maybe a toilet cleaner...
Lenny holds the receiver far away from his head.
LENNY (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Can you repeat it slowly?
I can't hear you very well. The signal is disrupted, there's a lot of static on the line...
(beat)
How do you spell it?
(a very long beat)
Can you spell it again?
(a very long beat)
A for Andrew, S for Susan, S for Susan, H for Harry, O for Oprah, L for Lenny, E for Eddie.
FREDDIE
What are you doing?!
LENNY
(to Freddie)
I'm trying to keep the conversation going.
Freddie buries his head in his hands.
EXT./INT. A CALLER'S HOUSE - DAY
A mailman gives a fat phone bill to a skinny man in his fifties. The phone bill reads: “Premium Suicide Hotline 0-777 SUICIDE ---------- $66 600”. The man's jaw is practically on the floor. His forehead begins to glisten with perspiration. Then he slowly backs into the house. He slides down onto the couch, deflated, holding the bill before his eyes. He pulls a drawer and takes out a .44 magnum revolver. The man presses the gun to his temple. We hear the metallic click-clack of the gun being cocked. He fires twice.
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S REFURBISHED DIGS - DAY
An orgy is taking place. Lenny, in a flowery shirt and Bermuda shorts, is splayed in his sarcophagus with a sexy chick. They devour lobsters which dribble sauce all over their shirts and wash that all down with Budweiser.
Freddie, also in a flowery shirt and Bermuda shorts, is flopped out on the water bed with another chick feeding him grapes. Everybody is as high as a kite.
CHICK
We must go, but I think I could manage another Bud...
LENNY
OK, I'll bring some...
Lenny hauls himself out of the sarcophagus and steps on a condom, which oozes its contents onto the floor and sends him tumbling backward.
LENNY
Freddie! And we call it safe sex...
Lenny fetches a Bud six-pack from the fridge which is chock-full of Bud. He sits back in the sarcophagus while the chick helps herself.
FREDDIE
Shit, I feel so bloated. To burn off these calories I would have to run for 3 hours or walk for 5.
LENNY
Or sit in front of the TV for 50.
FREDDIE
Good idea!
Lenny turns the TV on. Freddie takes a toothpick out of a remarkable box and starts to clean his teeth. He notices an astronomical price labeled on the box.
FREDDIE
300 bucks for a box of toothpicks?!
LENNY
They aren't ordinary ones! These toothpicks are handmade from a tree growing only on the sides of the most unreachable mountain in Andes.
The chicks get money and exit. Lenny and Freddie wave them off.
FREDDIE
You are spending money like it's going out of fashion! Maybe we should economize on some things. It's been two months and we didn't get any new portion of dough.
LENNY
That's strange. We work as hard as ever. I think the global recession is to blame for it.
Suddenly, the door bell starts to ring, persistently. There is a forceful knock at the door.
LENNY
What the hell?!
A hulking obese man in his forties batters the door down and gets in.
Our boys recoil in terror and jump to their feet.
FAT MAN
I finally tracked you down, inglorious bastards! You told my wife to drink a toilet cleaner and she died!
LENNY
She was seeking advice and I gave her one...
FAT MAN
Shut up or I'll flatten you! You see the phone bill?! 45 grand! I'm gonna do to you the same what I'm gonna do with this bill!
The fat man tears the bill up and eats it. The bill is 100 pages long, hard to swallow and simply inedible. It lodges in his throat. With a shaky hand, Lenny offers him a can of Budweiser.
LENNY
(trying to be kind)
Maybe some beer... To wash it down...
The fat man's face pales as he starts to choke and cough. He sinks to the floor and writhes in agony, emitting a disturbing death rattle. Lenny and Freddie watch the scene like it's a scary movie, tucking in popcorn. After a moment, Freddie snaps out of it.
FREDDIE
I must resuscitate him!
LENNY
You crazy?! His death means our life!
FREDDIE
Sorry... It was simply reflexive.
The fat man stops to move. He's choked to death. Freddie takes his pulse while Lenny kicks him to make sure he is dead.
FREDDIE
He is completely dead... Any ideas what to do next?
LENNY
Let's bury him!
EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, GARDEN - NIGHT
Lenny along with Freddie haul the dead man's huge bulk to bury him in the garden under the cover of darkness. They wear the same garish Bermuda shorts and flowery shirts, barely seen in the moonlight.
FREDDIE
We should take a bit more care of our clients. If they commit suicide who's gonna pay the phone bills?
LENNY
You have a point. Good client is an alive client.
FREDDIE
Don't you think that our clothes are a bit brash for a funeral?
LENNY
C'mon... What we're doing isn't a conventional funeral – it's a quiet, low-key affair.
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS - DAY
Lenny plays Mortal Combat on playstation in his room, sitting in a comfy armchair. We hear blood-curdling screams. Freddie is on the phone. He smokes weed and drinks beer.
FREDDIE
(into phone)
Euthanasia?! Why?
(beat)
There are so many things you can do at your retirement home. You can play chess... You can... You know what? Kill the time, not yourself!
(beat)
You're right. Receiving suppositories isn't as exciting as sex.
(beat)
I won't let you die from sex-starvation.
(beat)
Maybe I will take you to Tijuana?
(beat)
OK, I'll be your tour guide! I know all the fleshpots in this city.
(beat)
Everything is negotiable. You can pay after the trip!
(beat)
See you!
EXT. RETIREMENT HOME - DAY
A charter bus pulls in front of the retirement home called “ETERNAL LIFE RETIREMENT HOME”. Some 25 android-like old men jump on the board.
The nun runs out of the home, screaming.
NUN
You are going to the hell!!!
OLD MAN 1
Exactly! Mexican girls are hot like hell!
The bus peels out.
INT. CHARTER BUS – MOVING - MOMENTS LATER
We are traveling fast. Freddie sits just next to the driver.
OLD MAN 1
If I must die I want to die from syphilis! Ha ha ha!
OLD MAN 2
What a heroic death! Will that be chiseled on your headstone?
The old man 1 gazes at Freddie and a look of remembrance flickers across his face.
OLD MAN 1
Freddie, I could swear I have seen you somewhere before, but I don't remember where... Fucking Alzheimer's.
FREDDIE
Maybe on TV...
OLD MAN 1
Maybe...
The bus drives past a topless car wash.
FREDDIE
(to bus driver)
Turn back. It's time for a warm-up!
The bus pulls into the topless car wash.
OLD MAN 1
Yeah! You were on that bus when my friend was killed... You were sitting at the wheel... or you were...
Alarm bells go off in Freddie's head - he is genuinely frightened by these words. Freddie discreetly retreats and takes to his heels.
Agape in excitement, all the old men lick the windows as the topless girls wash the bus.
INT. TOPLESS CAR WASH - CONTINUOUS
Topless girl 1 holds an empty can and shows it to her workmate.
TOPLESS GIRL 1
We've run out of beeswax!
TOPLESS GIRL 2
I have a jar of honey. It's also produced by bees.
She brings a jar of honey. Topless girl 1 takes some honey on her fingers.
TOPLESS GIRL 1
It's even more glistening!
The girls smear the body of the bus with honey. The bus pulls out of the car wash.
EXT./INT. CHARTER BUS – MOVING - MOMENTS LATER
The bus winds its way along a switch back road.
OLD MAN 1
(to himself)
I have a feeling that somebody is missing... Bloody Alzheimer's!
Some bees fly into the bus.
EXT. PACIFIC PALISADES/INT. BUS – MOVING – CONTINUOUS
The bus travels down a switch back road. Out of the blue, a swarm of bees come flocking to cover the bus.
The bus driver turns on windshield wipers, but to no avail – he can't see anything. The bus hits a barrier and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing two times before it explodes.
Far, far away, Freddie hails a cab and doesn't even notice the smoke of the bus exploding.
EXT. BUSY STREET – DAY
Lenny and Freddie walk around the sidewalk carrying the playstation and TV. There is a label on the TV: 666$. Passers-by steer clear of them.
LENNY
Do you think it's time to shut down our hotline?
FREDDIE
I'm afraid so...
Everybody gives them a wide berth.
LENNY
(to passers-by)
Dirt cheap equipment! Dirt cheap equipment! Dirt cheap...
(to Freddie)
You're holding it upside down. Turn it!
Freddie rotates the TV around, right side up. Now the label reads $999. Immediately, two guys approach our boys to buy the equipment.
LENNY
(to Freddie)
Remember. If you wanna sell something put in the price as many nines as possible.
INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS – MOMENTS LATER
Lenny and Freddie enter their room. Lenny counts up the money.
One phone rings.
LENNY
That will be our last call...
Lenny puts the money into his pocket and picks up the phone. Freddie throws himself on the sofa and watches Lenny talk.
LENNY
Hello.
(beat)
That isn't reason enough to commit suicide. Many people can't sing or play the guitar.
(beat)
Don't be so hard on yourself.
(beat)
Really? You are a grandson of Jimi Hendrix?
(beat)
You are over 30 years old?! Man, you should have started playing the guitar in your embryo stage, strumming your umbilical cord! Now it's too late for guitar lessons.
(beat)
But you can follow in your father's footsteps! Just burn down your guitar.
(beat)
It's difficult to promote a ham-handed deaf pseudo-guitarist, unless you have money to burn.
(beat)
You have the dough?!
(beat)
Yes, yes, OK, sure, of course, OK, yes...
(beat)
It's not gonna be a problem. Beethoven continued to compose after he lost his hearing.
(beat)
Yeah. He composed some pieces for dog whistle. You know - it's almost inaudible to the human ear! There is also a rock group called “Deaf Tones” or something like that.
(beat)
We are waiting for you! See you!
Lenny hangs up.
LENNY (CONT'D)
Freddie! We are saved!
EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
A white stretch limo with darkened windows draws up before Mrs. Grifter's bungalow.
Lenny and Freddie come out of the building. A chauffeur opens the door of the limousine for them. They climb into the limo. The limousine speeds off.
INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS
There is a 30-year-old man (Johnnie Hendrix) in the passenger seat.
JOHNNIE
Hello guys. I'm Johnnie Hendrix. I am my grandfather's only grandchild and inheritor.
EXT./INT. JOHNNIE'S MANSION – MOMENTS LATER
The limo pulls up to a magnificent mansion with a manicured front yard. Johnnie, Lenny and Freddie climb out. They enter the building.
It just exudes wealth - it's lavishly equipped with modern style furniture and mod cons, including a giant media center, a 100-inch LCD TV, a hi-fi equipment with state-of-the-art speakers, a modern side-by-side fridge with TV, a tanning bed etc. A poodle barks at our boys.
JOHNNIE
(to the dog)
Dildo... Dildo! Calm down! They are our friends.
FREDDIE
This dog is called “Dildo”?! Why?!
LENNY
“Dildo” is an ancient Mayan word for the best friend!
JOHNNIE
Exactly! How did you know?!
LENNY
I'm an... Archeology is my passion!
JOHNNIE
(delighted)
You are the first person to know the origin of my dog's name!
(beat)
Could I interest you in a drink?
LENNY
Yeah! Budweiser, please.
FREDDIE
The same.
Our boys sit in comfy armchairs and push some buttons on the armrests making the seats unfold.
Lenny and Freddie look appraisingly around the living room and scan the furnishings, exchanging sidelong glances.
A butler enters with a magnum of Budweiser in an icebucket, gently opens the bottle and pours the beer into three slender sparkling crystal glasses. Our boys and Johnnie sips the beer.
FREDDIE
Nice home... but the furnishings break the rules of Feng Shui.
JOHNNIE
Oh no!
LENNY
Many people suffer from a lack of artistic power. The main culprits are their own homes piled with energy-consuming goods which block the flow of the positive energy chi.
JOHNNIE
So fix it! I will pay you!
LENNY
OK. We will do all we can to help you!
EXT./INT. JOHNNIE'S MANSION – MOMENTS LATER
A large moving van pulls up to the mansion. Movers load the truck with home appliances, including the big-screen TV set, the hi-fi equipment, the mondo speakers, the modern fridge, the tanning bed, everything lock, stock, and barrel. Lenny and Freddie supervise them.
LENNY
(to Freddie)
Can I take the armchairs and the TV set?
FREDDIE
Go ahead! I'll take the fridge and the tanning bed.
After a while, the hallway and the living room we can see are completely empty. Furniture, T.V., hi-fi equipment, art, gone.
EXT. BUSY STREET/INT. NEW HEARSE – MOVING – DAY
Lenny (as a driver) and Freddie swerve through traffic in a stretch limo-like hearse, rapidly with no signals, nearly causing accidents. The car is loaded with high-tech gadgetry.
FREDDIE
Jesus! Johnnie gave us stacks of moola. That kind of money could buy Lamborghini! Why the hell did you buy this hearse?!
LENNY
You won't understand this!
(beat)
This is how I laugh at my past. I'm a gravedigger who got rich! Really crazy!
Our boys are accompanied by six scantily-clad hot chicks with big boobs. Music is blaring from the radio. There's a casket in the rear of the vehicle. The casket holds a huge mondo loudspeaker from Johnnie's home.
FREDDIE
Let's try out our new subwoofer!
One chick closes the casket. We hear booming basses.
FREDDIE
Johnnie's hi-fi sounds great in our car, doesn't it?
LENNY
Yeah!
(beat)
Are you happy with the tanning bed? How's that working out for you?
FREDDIE
Oh man, I have a non-stop striptease! Chicks wait in a long line at my house 'cause I offer it to them for free.
We hear a distinctive phone ring. Lenny fishes into his breast pocket for a cell phone.
LENNY
(into phone)
Hello Johnnie! We're just elaborating the strategy of promotion with several seasoned consultants. You know, they're rather pricey - 400 bucks an hour or 2000 a night.
(beat)
500 000 bucks?! Thanks... That will certainly cover our expenses...
Lenny finishes the phone call, wide-eyed.
EXT./INT. BANK OF AMERICA, BUSY STREEET – MOMENTS LATER
The hearse pulls up in front of the bank. Lenny climbs out. He enters the bank humping a briefcase. He fills it to capacity with packets of hundreds. He leaves the bank and climbs back into the hearse. The hearse peels out.
EXT. STREET – MOMENTS LATER
Betty walks down the street. She catches a fleeting glimpse of Lenny and Freddie as they stop at a red traffic light, but they fail to notice her and drive away.
BETTY
(to herself)
Lenny? Freddie?
ANGLE ON: Mrs. Grifter
Mrs. Grifter, with a cucumber mask on her face, observes the hearse from a crane cabin.
As the hearse passes the crane, she spreads out a cobwebby net across the street. Consequently, the hearse becomes ensnared in the net and lurches to a halt.
INT. NEW HEARSE - CONTINUOUS
FREDDIE
What the fuck is that?!
LENNY
Maybe some kind of a speed trap!
FREDDIE
I know! It must be one of those crazy heists!
EXT. STREET, BY THE CRANE - CONTINUOUS
Mrs. Grifter hoists the hearse by means of the crane.
Lenny, Freddie and the chicks cry for help.
Betty sees everything. She rushes to help our boys.
Betty hurriedly climbs up the crane. From our boys' distance we can't tell who she is. She approaches the crane's cabin.
BETTY
(to Mrs. Grifter)
Lower that car!!!
MRS. GRIFTER
Get outta here!
An all-out fight ensues. As Mrs. Grifter struggles with Betty, they both push and pull the control levers unintentionally causing the jib to move chaotically.
Finally, Betty knocks Mrs. Grifter down, sending her plummeting to land on the tarmac below.
Betty lowers the hearse.
The car peels the hell out of there.
Our boys even do not know who saved them 'cause they weren't able to spot the persons in the crane.
BETTY
(to herself)
Now we're even-steven, guys.
Betty climbs down the crane and disappears into crowd.
EXT. BUSY STREET – SOME DAYS LATER, DAY
Lenny and Freddie oversee kids putting up posters advertising the guitar concert of Johnnie Hendrix: admission free, free beer, recovery of travel expenses. They stick them onto road signs and traffic lights, obscuring them.
LENNY
(to Freddie)
These posters cannot be passed by unnoticed! I've heard of a very
similar ad campaign a funeral home spun. After that, they had much more clients!
There are several spectacular car crashes – a real demolition derby – that back up traffic.
FREDDIE
(to Lenny, aghast)
Did you plan that? Was all that something you planned?!
LENNY
Actually no...
(beat)
But creating some kind of a scandal can launch a career of an unknown artist. It just gives Johnnie the chance to make a name for himself!
FREDDIE
A bad name...
A red-suit-clad tall Korean man with a long black hair (Razor) gazes at one poster.
INT. RAZOR'S BATHROOM/ROOM/HALLWAY
In a bathroom, Razor is standing in front of a mirror shaving himself with a straight razor. His face and chest. Dry. No shaving cream or anything. We hear a screeching sound. He even goes to the trouble of shaving his back. Next, he splashes his body with a heavy alcohol aftershave lotion.
He cleans his ears out with a six-inch nail.
In a room, he gets into a red suit and irons it on himself. In a hallway, he pours thumbtacks into his red boots and puts them on. A look of total pleasure on his face. Next, he walks outside.
EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK – SOME HOURS LATER, DAY
Razor pulls up in a red Hyundai just as a dolled up Betty leaves her apartment block. He opens the passenger door for her and she climbs in. Betty leans over and bites Razor's neck passionately. The car squeals away from the curb.
EXT. STADIUM – SOME HOURS LATER, DAY
People are streaming into the stadium. We see Razor and Betty in the crowd assembled in front of a big stage.
Everybody drinks Budweiser. There are piles of cans of beer.
Razor deftly cuts off the top of a can with his straight razor. He passes the can to Betty and she downs the beer in one gulp.
Lenny and Freddie, wearing head-to-toe fireproof suits, walk onto the stage.
Police officers arrive in the audience.
POLICE OFFICER 1
Let's take them!
POLICE OFFICER 2
Wait, there is free Budweiser!
MAN FROM AUDIENCE 1
I totaled my new car 'cause of these fucking douchebags!
MAN FROM AUDIENCE 2
So did I. I'm gonna kill them!
MAN FROM AUDIENCE 1
Wait! Let's drink some Budweiser before that.
LENNY
(to audience)
Thank you for coming, we love you! Get ready for a new musical phenomenon!
FREDDIE
(to audience)
Ladies, Gentlemen and trannies, let me introduce the hottest guitarist in California. Please welcome Johnnie Hendrix!
People watch, bursting with anger, as Johnnie wearing head-to-toe fireproof suit materializes on the stage. Lenny opens a bottle labeled “NAPALM” and empties it on Johnnie. As he starts to play the guitar, he and his instrument burst into flames.
We hear ear-splitting really terrible harsh and strident discords.
All the people wince and cover their ears, shouting obscenities. All but Razor and Betty. They're both delighted.
Johnnie is ablaze. He dives into the crowd to land on a fat woman, knocking her out cold. She catches the fire. The crowd erupts into bedlam. People throw their clothes over the fat woman to smother the flames but this doesn't help any... The flames rapidly engulf the fat woman.
MAN FROM AUDIENCE 1
All you motherfuckers are gonna pay!
Johnnie breaks for the stage. Lenny and Freddie lift him bodily onto the stage.
LENNY
I think we miscalculated how people would react to this napalm thing...
FREDDIE
Things are hotting up... Leg it!
Our boys do a runner as the enraged crowd swarms towards the stage.
EXT. STREET – MOMENTS LATER
Lenny, Freddie and Johnnie run flat out along the street pursued by the angry lynch mob.
Razor comes to the fore of the mob.
Our boys run around the corner. Lenny spots a manhole and points his finger at it.
LENNY
There!
Lenny pops the cover off and all three boys leap into the sewer.
INT. SEWER TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS
Lenny, Freddie and Johnnie wade in knee-deep waste water along the sewer tunnel.
LENNY
Don't worry, Johnnie. I feel your pain. Things are not working out exactly as we would like 'cause you still need more promotion.
JOHNNIE
Sure! I will become a famous guitar hero as soon as I burn down some more fat women!
FREDDIE
Come on. It was merely an accident at work.
LENNY
We must modify the long-term strategy of promotion.
EXT. STADIUM – CONTINUOUS
The stadium is completely empty. All that's left are heaps of empty beer cans.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
People march toward public toilets in droves and pack inside. Multiple toilet flushings are heard as we see the restrooms overrun by hordes of the concert-goers.
INT. SEWER TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS
Our runaways wade in shallow waste water.
LENNY
Johnnie, now you're an underground artist.
JOHNNIE
I want go mainstream!
We hear the loud sounds of water rushing. A wave of waste water sweeps through the sewer. Freddie notices the wave first.
FREDDIE
The mainstream is coming!
The sudden onrush of water washes over our three boys and carries them away. They start swimming.
Lenny suddenly looks over his shoulder and sees Razor swim just behind them. Razor holds an opened straight razor in his teeth.
LENNY
Guys, watch out!
Freddie and Johnnie look over their shoulders in fear.
FREDDIE
Who is that nut?!
JOHNNIE
He'll cut our throats!!!
They swim like crazy. Then, they climb up a ladder and get out through a manhole. Razor follows them.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
Lenny, Freddie and Johnnie run for dear life along the street. Razor chases after them. Lenny notices that Razor is gaining on them. Razor's shadow ominously engulfs the three boys. Suddenly, Lenny, Freddie and Johnnie stop dead in their tracks – they are cornered - it's a dead end!
FREDDIE
It's a dead end!
Lenny puts up his dukes.
LENNY
Guys! We outnumber him by three to one!
After steeling themselves, in desperation, Lenny and Freddie lunge at Razor but he knocks them out cold with tae-kwon-do kicks. Only Johnnie remains scot-free.
Razor is about to snap Lenny's and Freddie's necks in one go when he hears Betty.
BETTY
Nooo!
Razor turns around to see Betty running towards him.
BETTY
Please! Don't kill them! Leave them alone.
RAZOR
OK. I think the concert attendees will do it for me. But let me take care of this talented guitarist.
Razor closes in on Johnnie and pulls out his straight razor, a wicked gleam in his eye and on the blade. Razor frightens the living daylights out of Johnnie. He shucks and jives on the spot, flattening himself against the wall, staring at Razor in a state of mute fear.
RAZOR
(in a deep, menacing voice)
Can I ask you for an autograph?
JOHNNIE
What?!
RAZOR
I want your autograph. Nobody ever hurt my eardrums as badly as you did!
JOHNNIE
I don't know whether to take it as a compliment or what...
RAZOR
Cut your autograph into my back!
Razor gives his straight razor to Johnnie and turns his back on him. Next, he uncovers his back.
JOHNNIE
But it can lead to a terrible infection...
Out of Razor's view, Betty stealthily drags passed out Lenny and Freddie away and loads them into the red Hyundai. The car pulls away.
RAZOR
I like infections! C'mon! If you do it, I will put on a concert tour of North Korea – especially for you!
JOHNNIE
A concert tour?! OK!
Johnnie beams and cuts his autograph into Razor's back. Razor looks like he is having an orgasm.
INT. HYUNDAI - MOVING – MOMENTS LATER
Betty is driving while our boys come round.
LENNY FREDDIE
Betty?!
BETTY
Hello, boys! How does it feel to be saved by a girl two times in a row?
LENNY
(groggily)
I... feel... great...
(it registers)
Wait! You mean you saved us from that net trap?!
BETTY
And if it wasn't for me, one man would snap your necks.
FREDDIE
Who? The razor guy? I was thinking he was gonna cut our throats.
LENNY
But where is Johnnie? The razor guy killed Johnnie?
BETTY
No, he is an impresario and made arrangements for Johnnie's concert tour of North Korea.
LENNY
You know him?!
BETTY
Well... I have a crush on him.
(beat)
But... But the only person I really love is you, Lenny.
LENNY
I love you too, Betty. But your love is a bit, you know, a bit tough for me.
FREDDIE
Lenny, you can have sex under general anesthetic...
LENNY
Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime or play cockroaches...
BETTY
I save your ass and you won't let me bite your ass?! Get out!
Betty shakes her head and pulls over with a screech to the side of the road.
EXT./INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
Lenny and Freddie head for an airport.
LENNY
North Korea or bust!
FREDDIE
You sure? I don't know if that's such a great idea. North Korea isn't too hospitable.
LENNY
We must recover Johnnie. We need his bajillions! It's dangerous but worth the risk.
They walk over to a ticket window.
LENNY
Good morning, ma'am. I'd like to inquire about flights to North Korea. Could you tell me about the flight availability?
The booking clerk stares at Lenny like he's out of his mind.
BOOKING CLERK
I'm sorry, but we don't have any one-way tickets to black holes. It's not the Kennedy Space Center.
We see a check-in counter and sign reading "Place your knives, guns, bombs, artificial limbs, pacemakers and any other metal objects in the plastic box for inspection”.
An old man rips his pacemaker out and bang! He collapses on the floor.
EXT./INT. MILITARY BASE, ENTREPOT - NIGHT
By night, Lenny and Freddie climb over a fence and sneak into a storehouse, flashlights in hands. There are large wooden packing cases marked “HUMANITARIAN AID TO NORTH KOREA”.
LENNY
Here is our business class.
Freddie opens several packing cases and looks into them.
FREDDIE
There's the menu.
(beat)
Rice Krispies...
(beat)
Smoked bacon...
(beat)
Gouda cheese...
(beat)
And edible lingerie.
What would you like, sir?
LENNY
Could I have Rice Krispies, please?
Freddie jumps into the packing case holding Rice Krispies.
FREDDIE
Excellent choice! These are very comfortable!
EXT. MILITARY BASE - DAY
A soldier drives in a forklift truck carrying the packing case labeled “humanitarian aid to North Korea”. The forklift disappears into a transport plane. The Globemaster hurtles down the runway, gathering speed and takes off.
EXT. SOMEWHERE OVER CLOUDS - DAY
We see the Globemaster flying over the ocean and then over a land.
LENNY (O.S.)
Shit! The lid is locked. I gotta take a leak somewhere.
FREDDIE (O.S.)
Hold it. Tibetan monks are able to retain their urine for over a week.
LENNY (O.S.)
I can't hold it. I'm about to explode. Sorry...
FREDDIE (O.S.)
Oh no! It's awful! Urine-flavored Rice Krispies...
EXT. PASTURE LAND - DAY
The Globemaster drops the packing case. The parachute opens. The massive wooden packing case lands on a muzzled cow, knocking it out cold. Five Korean soldiers gather around the packing case. They wear fatigues camouflaged with green twigs.
Lenny and Freddie climb out of the packing case and stretch.
The soldiers point their guns at our boys.
SOLDIER
Get your hands up!
LENNY
Relax, man! We have here very tasty Rice Krispies for you!
FREDDIE
Just add some milk!
SOLDIER
(hissing through
clenched teeth)
But you've just killed my cow!
LENNY
Really?
FREDDIE
You can also eat these krispies with a fruit mousse...
SOLDIER
Manacle them!
The soldiers cuff our boys' hands and put shackles on their feet.
INT. BUNKER – MOMENTS LATER
The soldiers march Lenny and Freddie into a bunker. There is a bookshelf with very fat books by Kim John Goon.
Several soldiers pore over tomes entitled: Erotic Self Massage Techniques. Vol. 3, Reliable Tips on Hamster Breeding. Vol. 2, Mastering the Art of Knitting. Vol. 5.
LENNY
Why are they reading this shit?
And with that a solider rifle butts Lenny. Lenny bends over and grimaces in pain.
SOLDIER
How dare you! These are masterpieces written by our Great Father Kim John Goon!
INT. DUNGEON – MOMENTS LATER
Lenny and Freddie stand chained to the wall in a dungeon. There is one soldier with them. He is camouflaged with green twigs.
SOLDIER
Who the fuck are you?
FREDDIE
I studied medicine but worked as gravedigger and sex worker. I'm skilled in taxidermy. Now I am a promoter who also saves suicidal individuals.
SOLDIER
You are very versatile. Just like a good spy! And you?
LENNY
I am an archeologist but I was a digger... that is a gravedigger. I dissuade people from suicide. I also work as a promoter.
SOLDIER
Well, well, well, another spy.
Who do you both work for?
LENNY
For us!
SOLDIER
Very funny.
(beat)
Do you mind if I call a torturer?
LENNY
I'm against.
FREDDIE
So am I.
LENNY
Sorry, but you've been outvoted.
SOLDIER
Send in the torturer!
You will experience the power of our newest energy-saving torture machine!
(beat)
We switched over to a new one because of exorbitant electricity bills and also because the soldiers had been using the former model all the time to build their abs. A special envoy found in your country a really diabolic instrument of torture. It inflicts pain equal to 10 000 volts consuming only 160 volts. Scary, isn't it? Call me when you’re willing to reveal your facts.
The soldier unveils two huge loudspeakers, his mouth twisting into a nasty snarl. He exits. The electric-guitar-wielding Johnnie Hendrix enters the chamber. Johnnie dummies up seeing our boys.
LENNY FREDDIE
Johnnie?!
Their eyes go wide.
JOHNNIE
Guys?! what the hell are you doing here?
Johnnie starts playing the guitar. Lenny and Freddie cover their ears.
LENNY
We've come here to rescue you!
JOHNNIE
Yeah, you and whose army?
FREDDIE
Don't worry. Maybe we will be able to hire some local folks.
JOHNNIE
But they detest me. They'd rather scalp me.
LENNY
Why?
JOHNNIE
'Cause nobody likes my music!
(beat)
I hate this job!
LENNY
Well...
(beat)
How much do you earn?
JOHNNIE
It's an unpaid internship.
INT. DUNGEON – NEXT DAY
Lenny and Freddie stand chained to the wall in the dungeon. We hear cows mooing. The green-twigs-camouflaged soldier enters. He carries two little bowls of grass.
SOLDIER
Here you go. This is your breakfast, lunch and supper. You will only look at it because you don't want to collaborate.
LENNY
We're not gonna tip you.
The soldier puts the bowls down in front of the boys. They can't even reach them.
SOLDIER
Of course you will get another can of torture for dessert.
The soldier exits and our electric guitar-wielding Johnnie Hendrix enters the chamber. He starts playing the guitar. Lenny and Freddie cover their ears.
FREDDIE
(to Johnnie)
Why are these cows lowing so terribly?
JOHNNIE
They're famished.
FREDDIE
Why?
JOHNNIE
Kim John Goon ordered people to feed only on grass while cows has been forbidden from eating grass. It's a Green Revolution or something like this...
FREDDIE
That's strange...
LENNY
Give the spades!
Johnnie pulls out two spades from behind his guitar and unchains our boys.
JOHNNIE
There is the South Korean border some 2 miles away but it's protected by mine fields and barbed wire fences.
LENNY
OK. Can you tell me where the cows are?
JOHNNIE
Cows? Next door.
LENNY
How many?
JOHNNIE
Dozens...
LENNY
Great! Dozens of starved cows!
FREDDIE
Let's set off unrest among them!
LENNY
Yeah! These cows must be aching for something green...
Lenny and Freddie begin to dig.
Johnnie is stupefied. He starts playing the dead march.
INT. COWSHED – SEVERAL HOURS LATER
Lenny and Freddie tunnel their way into the cowshed. Johnnie follows them.
LENNY
It's time to feed our cows!
They take the muzzles off the cows, loose them and drive the cattle out of the shed, making the herd stampede.
The enraged cows charge at the soldiers camouflaged with green twigs. The cows pounce upon them and tear to pieces.
Lenny, Freddie and Johnnie hop on three cows and ride like jockeys.
Our boys are in the middle of the cattle drive. The cows trample and shred all the green-twigs-camouflaged soldiers standing in their way.
Our cowboys head for the border.
The front cows get blown to bits, but the rest of the herd keeps on running, holding a course. The speeding herd clears a way through the minefield and barbed wire fences. The front cows fall dead but dozens of cows cross the border unscathed.
Suddenly, Johnnie falls off his cow to land on a land mine. It explodes. The explosion blasts his arms. He lies on the ground, unconscious.
Lenny and Freddie jump off their cows and rush to rescue Johnnie. Freddie tears his shirt off and applies tourniquets to Johnnie's limbs. Lenny reaches down and picks up Johnnie from the ground. Lenny pulls Johnnie up over his shoulder, then runs. Freddie takes Johnnie's torn arms.
LENNY
Help me carry him!
FREDDIE
I must take the arms! They probably can re-attach them!
Our boys cross the border. They follow the beaten path made by the cattle.
EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT OF A HOSPITAL, SOUTH KOREA – DAY
Korean folk music plays for a while.
SUPER: SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Johnnie lies unconscious in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment creating an unbearable cacophony. His arms are missing - just stubs.
Lenny and Freddie stand by the bed. A Korean surgeon with thick glasses appears to examine Johnnie.
LENNY
Will he play the guitar?
SURGEON
Unfortunately his own arms are so badly ground that they can only be consigned to Whiskas. Even if his body accepts any transplanted arms, even if we manage to transplant arms of Slash, he will not regain his complete manual dexterity very soon and will be rather ham-handed for at least 2 years.
LENNY
So everything will be back to normal...
SURGEON
There is also a risk that he may go blind.
FREDDIE
Why? What do the arms have to do with the eyes?
SURGEON
It's a newly identified side effect called “stray fork syndrome”.
FREDDIE
What?!
SURGEON
A man after hand transplant failed to guide the fork into his mouth while eating an omelet and... You know...
FREDDIE
What about the ultramodern automatic nuclear artificial limbs?
SURGEON
These are characterized by much higher precision...
The surgeon unveils a dummy with artificial arms attached. He puts on long wireless glove controllers. The artificial limbs accurately copy the movements of surgeon's arms.
The surgeon puts a nunchaku into the dummy's hands. Afterwards, he takes another nunchaku. The surgeon skillfully brandishes nunchaku, twirling them around his body. The dummy does the same simultaneously - just like his mirror image. Lenny and Freddie stare mouth-agape wide eyed. Suddenly, the surgeon hits himself in his own forehead, badly hurting it. The same happens to the dummy.
SURGEON
Ups... Don't worry - we're in a hospital - a perfect place for a contusion!
The surgeon opens a drawer and pulls out two surgical needles and threads. He puts a needle and thread into the dummy's hands. The surgeon threads his needle. The dummy also threads the needle. The surgeon sutures his head wound.
LENNY
We buy it!
SURGEON
Very good choice! This model is available in a range of colors. Which one do you prefer?
FREDDIE
Flesh-colored...
SURGEON
Sure... Flesh-colored. That will make an excellent match with the skin.
Johnnie comes around. He notices he has no arms.
JOHNNIE
My arms... Where are my arms?!
SURGEON
We've just burned them down in our crematory.
JOHNNIE
Why?!
SURGEON
They were dead, completely useless.
JOHNNIE
You're cruel! You've cut my arms off only because they can't play the guitar?!
LENNY
You've lost your arms 'cause you landed on a mine! Don't you remember?
JOHNNIE
Shit! Can somebody fix it? I will pay you!
EXT. SOMEWHERE OVER CLOUDS - DAY
We see Boeing 747 flying over the ocean and then over a land.
EXT. BUSY STREET – DAY
We're back in California. The lightning-fingered Ron plays the guitar in front of a store window.
A stretch limo-like hearse pulls up next to him. Lenny jumps out of the car and throws a packet of hundreds into the guitar case.
Ron stops playing. He is mouth-agape wide eyed. He does a double take - he can't believe it's Lenny.
LENNY
Hello Ron. How are you?
RON
Man! You sold all your internal organs?!
LENNY
You're underestimating me. I'm worth much more than my body. Ron, there is a lot of money to be earned.
Lenny asks him into the limo but Ron shakes ,,no”.
RON
Look, man, maybe you can live without your entrails but I'm rather attached to my vitals so try to find another sucker.
LENNY
But it's not about trafficking in organs! You helped me so many times. Now, I can help you. You get to make money playing the guitar together with Johnnie Hendrix - the grandson of Jimi Hendrix! We're organizing a great gig. We need you!
RON
Johnnie Hendrix?! I saw his poster.
Ron points his finger at a wanted poster with Johnnie's photo. It reads “BURNING TO DEATH, CAUSING FATAL CRASHES, , , , , , , WANTED BY FBI , , , , , , Johnnie Hendrix”.
LENNY
Oh shit!
RON
You wanna sucker me in it?
A kid affixes a poster advertising the concert of Johnnie Hendrix (with the same photo) just next to the wanted poster.
LENNY
(to the kid)
Hold on! Stop!
Lenny rushes to stop the kid from affixing posters. He pulls out his phone and makes a call.
LENNY
(into phone)
Freddie, tell the kids not to put up the posters anymore. We gotta call off the gig.
INT. RUN-DOWN STOREHOUSE - DAY
We're in a deserted storehouse. Johnnie, Lenny and Freddie are sitting on rusty drums. They all are sipping Budweisser. Johnnie is gesticulating frantically - he has automatic arms.
JOHNNIE
Is there anything else you can botch up?! They seized my properties and blocked my bank accounts. I've lost my arms in the bargain. To make matters worse, I've lost my great name.
(there is a catch in his voice)
I can't use it any longer 'cause they will find me. I'm a fugitive from the law. I can't be seen on the fucking streets. It's time to kill myself...
Freddie buries his head in his hands.
LENNY
Can we have your life insurance money?
FREDDIE
(to Lenny)
Shut up! How low can you get?
(to Johnnie)
Johnnie, it doesn't mater what you have, but who you are!
LENNY
(to himself,
in an undertone)
He is a zero with zero money...
Freddie takes Lenny aside.
FREDDIE
You're a capitalist pig without human feelings! People aren't carnivores which eat weaker animals. We must help them! We must help Johnnie!
LENNY
OK... On condition that it will bring us some money...
EXT. BUSY STREET – DAY
Lenny in his limo-like hearse pulls up before Ron playing the guitar in front of the store window. Lenny rolls down the window, sitting at the wheel. Ron is immediately soured at the sight of Lenny.
LENNY
Hi Ron!
RON
Go away. I'm not gonna do any deal with you!
LENNY
You are so talented. I'd hate anything should happen to you...
RON
Are you trying to cow me?
LENNY
No, I just have serious concerns about your safety. It would be a great pity if you lost a life... Do you know how Jimi Hendrix died?
RON
He OD'd on heroin...
LENNY
It's an official media release. In fact, he was was killed by electric shock.
RON
Tell it to the Marines!
LENNY
It's a very little known fact that most guitarists die not from a drug overdose but from short circuits in their guitars! Trust me - I worked as a gravedigger and saw many of their bodies which showed signs of electric shocks!
RON
Really?!
LENNY
Ron, I love you as my own brother.
RON
You never had a brother!
LENNY
It was only a figure of speech. Look, I don't wanna lose you. Please, always wear these electrical insulating gloves.
Lenny gives him the glove controllers.
EXT. BUSY STREET – DAY
On the street, dressed as a homeless guy, Johnnie plays guitar like a house on fire. He is as good as Slash. Passers-by throw money handsomely into the guitar case - Johnnie's guitar works its magic on them and they admire his nimble fingers. Lenny and Freddie count the cash.
JOHNNIE
It's incredible! I get money for playing! It's a miracle! God is great! I love you! I love the whole world!
LENNY
Remember that you go fify-fifty with us.
FREDDIE
C'mon, don't spoil his joy right now!
EXT. RON'S STREET/EXT. JOHNNIE'S STREET – DAY
Ron plays the guitar with great panache in front of the store window, glove controllers on his hands. He can see, out of the corner of his eye, a guy sneaking up on him. Ron plays as if nothing is happening, pretending not to see the snatcher.
As the guy dives for the money in the guitar case, Ron hits him hard with his guitar, knocking him out cold.
We intercut between Ron and Johnnie playing the guitar somewhere else.
A woman walking a wiener dog approaches Johnnie.
She is about to throw a 5-dollar bill into the guitar case when Johnnie's guitar lands heavily on her dog - it gets flattened.
The woman is apoplectic with rage and clenches her fists, her chin is quivering in fury.
WOMAN
You motherfucker! What have you done!?
The woman points at Johnnie and jumps at him with fists flying.
WOMAN (CONT'D)
He killed my doggie!
A lynch mob gathers around Johnnie, Lenny, and Freddie who are struck dumb but after a while they take to their heels. Everybody starts chasing after Johnnie, Lenny, and Freddie, all in slow motion - Baywatch-style.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
